Monday, September 20, 2010

How To Survive A Garden Gnome Attack

This summer I was contacted by Chuck Sambuchino
a Ohio resident to review a humorous book he had written
entitled “How To Survive A Garden Gnome Attack’.

Gnome Attack

Upon receiving the book and reading the introduction
and a thumb through to look at the pictures two things became
1) My household and garden was already infested and
we were vulnerable to an attack at any moment, and…

2) I could have really used this book before our garden
blog group had sent Bilbo the Traveling Garden Gnome
to my home for a visit in May.


When Chuck’s introduction to the book stated,
”Call them what you want, Garden Gnomes, Lawn Ornaments,
Little Evil outdoor statuary hell-bent on world domination. It doesn’t matter.What does matter is that, right now, they’re hiding in plain sight, pretending to be symbols of merriment and good will. But secretly, quietly, while pushing diminutive wheelbarrows and brandishing miniature flower pots, they’re planning home invasions all over the world”,
I started to shake in my shoes.

Photography by Andrew Parsons

The books photographs of what could be happening behind
the scenes made the hair stand up on the back of my neck.

Who can forget what a time I had with Bilbo last May?
If you have not read the accounts of this rambunctious
Traveling Garden Gnome, Bilbo, on his visit here to the
Hocking Hills Garden you can go back and read the
saga’s below.

Bilbo Arrives in the Hocking Hills Garden
His arrival from the snowy garden of Tootsie’s in Canada:


Bilbo Tours the Parks
His tour of the Hocking Hills Park system:


Bilbo Gets Back to Gardening
And how I thought I had gotten Bilbo back on track:


Although I was under the assumption that I had tamed
Bilbo maybe it was all just an act and something more
sinister was taking place behind my back and right
under my nose.
Had Bilbo had a hidden agenda to play nice and have
me fall for that cute little face of his while all the time he was
teaching my garden gnomes how to attack my garden
and my household and eventually get rid of us all in the end?
According to Chuck’s book a plan is underway by all the
Gnomes around the world to take over and we need to be very afraid.
Very, very afraid!

Chuck’s book “How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack
is a survival guide to help us assess, protect and defend
ourselves against this world wide plot of gnomes against
us all.

Introduction to the book:

Move over zombies and adolescent vampires.
There’s a new threat in town—and it’s only twelve inches tall.
How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack is the only
comprehensive survival guide that will help you prevent,
prepare for, and ward off an imminent home invasion by
the common garden gnome. Once thought of as harmless
yard decorations, evidence is mounting that these smiling
lawn statues are poised and ready to wreck havoc.
The danger is real. And it’s here.
Class 1 gnome-slayer and gnome defense expert Chuck Sambuchino has developed a proven system—Assess, Protect, Defend, Apply—for safeguarding property, possessions, and
loved ones. Strategies include step-by-step instructions for
gnome-proofing the average dwelling, recognizing and
interpreting the signs of a gathering hoard, and—in the event
that a secured perimeter is breached—confronting and
combating the attackers at close range.
The book can be purchased at Random House.
Or on sale at Amazon.

Are they even now infiltrating your home???

Photography by Andrew Parsons

I want to thank Chuck for writing this delightful and eye
opening book. With his help we all will be made aware,
be on guard and have a good laugh in the process.
With chapters such as:
Are You At Risk?, Are you in Denial?, Their Arsenal,
Mortal Combat and Gnomeproofing, the book runs
from ridiculous, (but in a good way), to just a fun read.
A little on the dark side are we there Chuck? LOL!
Also Chuck is in a quandary because as he states it,
For whatever reason, law enforcement personnel have
never taken reports of gnome attacks seriously.”

and that we may be …

“Highly irresponsible to simply ditch Bilbo the
Traveling Gnome or any other Gnome with a new owner
who’s unaware of the danger.”

So with these phrases ringing in your ears ……

Happy Gardening Everyone !! ….

and Be Very Careful Around
Your Own GardeningGnomes !!!

Lona H



Catherine@AGardenerinProgress said...

How funny! I love the one coming up through the heat vent. There are a few in my garden too, a couple snuck over from Germany in one of my husband's suitcases while he was on a business trip. That must be one way they are planning their takeover :)

bennie and patsy said...

Oh my! so glad I didn't let that little thing come to my home. The grasshoppers are taking over here.LOL

Rebecca @ In The Garden said...

What a delightful post! I immediately thought of your time with Bilbo when I saw the title, too bad the advice is a little late - you can be better prepared if he returns! :)

pogonip said...

This would be the perfect present for my brother--they've been collecting gnomes for years and have some inside (talk about dangerous)! said...

I saw this book on another site. I plan to purchase it. I just recently did a fun post on gnomes and I love finding the little guys where ever I can on my travels. It is amazing how many there are hiding under bushes and in some really odd places.

If Bilbo never was to Niagara Falls, you can send him here, but not in the winter though. I posted that on my blog too. I may have put a big dent in the travel industry here with that post.

A Garden of Threads said...

Thank you! Thank you! It has been one of those day and I so needed a laugh.

Shirley said...

Oh good. Now I have another reason to dislike garden gnomes. (No offence to those who share their garden with these creatures.) I vow to prevent the war by never having one set foot on my property! Ha! How's that? (My own mother has allowed them to take up residence. I should warn her! LOL) Cute book!

Balisha said...

My little gnome arrived here from DC just this year.
All spring and summer he stood next to my cherry tomato plant that failed...Hmmmm I wonder if he had anything to do with that?

PS...A delightful post, Lona.

Joe Todd said...

Gave me my biggest smile of the week.. Thanks.. Linda and I did buy some more furniture for the Teddy Bears at the Backwoods Fest LOL said...

Great post. Those silly gnomes. I'm thankful that my garden is peaceful and magical.

Less is More said...

hi good day ! nice post you have . about this decoration they are beautiful . this add attraction to our home . it depends only on how you put it or the arrangement in order to fit it in your interiors and theme . like me i have some home and garden decors which i contrast with my garden accessories and garden spinner and they blend perfectly . lovely set up !

Grace Peterson said...

Hi Lona, I am a subscriber to Chuck's blog and read about his book earlier. Fun.

Noelle said...

What a fun book and post :-)

I have pondered whether a gnome would be happy in my desert garden....what do you think?

GardenJoy4Me said...

First ... I am loving that new header photo Lona ! It is perfectly Autumnal? and inspires me to watch for one myself : )
Do you mean "Pudder" could behave like that with us ??? after we thought he was so adorable and a "golfing" gnome to top it off with ?
BUT .. my secret guardians .. Winthrop .. Thinking Gargoyle .. Mista G gargoyle .. yet Dave is a gnome too .. but that is an even spread so I might be safe ??
Now I have one more worry at night to think about before I go to bed??
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkk !!

Corner Gardener Sue said...

What about goose figurines? I may have started a collection of those in the garden, and since I have no gnomes, I hope they don't get any ideas.

Thanks for adding humor to the day.

Balisha said...

Hi Lona...I'm back to comment on your's beautiful.Gets me in the mood for fall.

Jean said...

Thankfully, I have been spared a Gnome invasion! Too funny! Thanks for stopping by! Your bloom pics are all amazing. Join us for Bloomin' Tuesday to show them off. Jean

Barbara said...

That was just hilarious. I live in Germany, and unfortunately for us it's too late - they've already taken over.

Darla said...

So far so good around gnomes. Bilbo may have broke me from wanting to intertain anymore of them!

Gardening in a Sandbox said...

I haven't check on mine recently. I will right out now and make sure he is still there under the hosta leaves. Bye the way where is Bilbo now. I really enjoyed his visits.