This summer I was contacted by Chuck Sambuchino
a Ohio resident to review a humorous book he had written
entitled “How To Survive A Garden Gnome Attack’.
Upon receiving the book and reading the introduction
and a thumb through to look at the pictures two things became
1) My household and garden was already infested and
we were vulnerable to an attack at any moment, and…
When Chuck’s introduction to the book stated,
”Call them what you want, Garden Gnomes, Lawn Ornaments,
Little Evil outdoor statuary hell-bent on world domination. It doesn’t matter.What does matter is that, right now, they’re hiding in plain sight, pretending to be symbols of merriment and good will. But secretly, quietly, while pushing diminutive wheelbarrows and brandishing miniature flower pots, they’re planning home invasions all over the world”, I started to shake in my shoes.
Photography by Andrew Parsons
The books photographs of what could be happening behind
the scenes made the hair stand up on the back of my neck.
If you have not read the accounts of this rambunctious
Traveling Garden Gnome, Bilbo, on his visit here to the
Hocking Hills Garden you can go back and read the
Bilbo Arrives in the Hocking Hills Garden
His arrival from the snowy garden of Tootsie’s in Canada:
Bilbo Tours the Parks
His tour of the Hocking Hills Park system:
Bilbo Gets Back to Gardening
And how I thought I had gotten Bilbo back on track:
Although I was under the assumption that I had tamed
Bilbo maybe it was all just an act and something more
sinister was taking place behind my back and right
under my nose.
Had Bilbo had a hidden agenda to play nice and have
me fall for that cute little face of his while all the time he was
teaching my garden gnomes how to attack my garden
and my household and eventually get rid of us all in the end?
According to Chuck’s book a plan is underway by all the
Gnomes around the world to take over and we need to be very afraid.
Very, very afraid!
Chuck’s book “How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack”
is a survival guide to help us assess, protect and defend
ourselves against this world wide plot of gnomes against
There’s a new threat in town—and it’s only twelve inches tall.
How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack is the only
comprehensive survival guide that will help you prevent,
prepare for, and ward off an imminent home invasion by
the common garden gnome. Once thought of as harmless
yard decorations, evidence is mounting that these smiling
lawn statues are poised and ready to wreck havoc.
The danger is real. And it’s here.
Class 1 gnome-slayer and gnome defense expert Chuck Sambuchino has developed a proven system—Assess, Protect, Defend, Apply—for safeguarding property, possessions, and
loved ones. Strategies include step-by-step instructions for
gnome-proofing the average dwelling, recognizing and
interpreting the signs of a gathering hoard, and—in the event
that a secured perimeter is breached—confronting and
combating the attackers at close range.
Are they even now infiltrating your home???
I want to thank Chuck for writing this delightful and eye
opening book. With his help we all will be made aware,
be on guard and have a good laugh in the process.
With chapters such as:
Are You At Risk?, Are you in Denial?, Their Arsenal,
Mortal Combat and Gnomeproofing, the book runs
from ridiculous, (but in a good way), to just a fun read.
A little on the dark side are we there Chuck? LOL!
Also Chuck is in a quandary because as he states it,
”For whatever reason, law enforcement personnel have
never taken reports of gnome attacks seriously.”
and that we may be …
“Highly irresponsible to simply ditch Bilbo the
Traveling Gnome or any other Gnome with a new owner
who’s unaware of the danger.”
So with these phrases ringing in your ears ……
Happy Gardening Everyone !! ….
and Be Very Careful Around
Your Own GardeningGnomes !!!